Hope! #$%^ it

I’m sure you’ve been there before, not knowing where to start or even where you’re standing now… so confusing and misleading…
I don’t know why thoughts now are striking me so badly, so lost and mixed up in a very wrong way.

Dear Jano; why don’t you calm down and be brave about it and take a decision? Why don’t you just rest you mind and have a happy life.

Oh how I wish life can be as easy as words. How I wish a word would do something real, it will never…
Once again with my crap, trash, and all related stuff…
I just can’t say NO! I can’t say ENOUGH!
I just can’t…
Enough of lies, cheating, misunderstanding, confusing, misleading, and love! Yes enough please, I don’t want it!
Two girls; way different than each other, the first one called; hmmm lets say Jano! She loves life, laughing a lot, smiling all the time, having a hard time trying to stop her happiness, well she didn’t try but it was almost impossible to be sad, when something annoys her and she wants to show it, she just cant! She just can’t be angry or sad for more than 5 seconds. And after seconds, ask her what happened that made her sad? She won’t remember. When she falls she laughs when she’s embarrassed she just smiles… isn’t it too nice? Yes it Was. I don’t remember why she changed her name to something else, she can’t remember now who she is, she won’t tell you, but simply, she’s someone trying hard to hide those sad eyes, trying hard to stop crying at night. Actually it’s her “before sleep prayers” for something better.
She wakes up every day and wonders, where people up there sleeping tonight? Were heavens doors and ears closed? She keeps wondering for minutes then hope they weren’t, having, once again, high hopes for the day, and life, she goes to check.

Nothing changes, only misery graves for more. Jano’s mind must be misery’s company, and yeah it loves it so much. She thinks now, what would happen? What could make things better? She tried but has requests; will people stop lying? Will this world stop fighting itself? Please? Again, please? She begs; what else to lose? Nothing at all! Only more tears; she doesn’t want them anyway, will they end? She was hoping.

What a dirty word; this hope! I hate it. I surely do. Hope for what? Damn it! Hope for better? Huh! Will never be. For true love? Is it there already? She thinks; no she doesn’t. She wonders, dreams, and once again hopes; for the hopeless to be a man and kill it.

See you then!

18 thoughts on “Hope! #$%^ it

  1. You know i’m there for you, anytime, day or night, and from the bottom of my heart i wish you all the happiness in the world and you’ll have it, becuase you deserve it.
    And so, If you ever feel down, Have no fear, Bakkouz is here! 😀

  2. Jano, anytime you need to talk, I am here for you. As I said in post. What are friends for if not for each other. Don’t hesitate, I have you in my prayers.

  3. This is sad …. Don’t lose hope my good friend. Don’t .. you’re just feeling these things out of despair and the truth is, it’s not fair. I know it’s not
    Take time to reflect on your life. And know that Hope is always there. And as my friend Bakkouz offered, we’ll all be there for you. If you need anything ..
    Mean while, enjoy this wonder

  4. Jano,

    This is so depressing, I almost killed my self towards the end of it.

    You are a good person and very talented. You definitely don’t deserve to be feeling like that.

    Please don’t think this way anymore.

    And this “where people up there sleeping tonight? Were heavens doors and ears closed?” is a very dangerous path to go down. Don’t go there. And read this http://quran.muslim-web.com/sura.htm?aya=029.

    Click on the “?” before the 2nd Aya and read the tafaseer. You may have a better understaing of your situation.

  5. Jano .. what happened? Here’s right away a BIG HUG which usually is an initial miracle-drug against depressions! Hope, Jano – is essential and you’re NEVER EVER allowed to lose it! It is the light at the end of the tunnel, the hidden force which gets us going … the baseline of EVERYTHING – one we lost hope, we lost everything! I know the kind of hole you’re in – have been there, many times – but there is always this little something which lurks just around a corner … which gives another jump-start! You have MORE strength than you know … always you think there’s nothing left – whoops, there it is – a wee-bit more, just enough to start functiong again!
    Take a day or two off, do something NICE for yourself, something you LIKE, you LOVE, take a walk, reflect, appreciate yourself … things will settle! You are a GREAT person Jano … rest assured of that!!
    If you want to share your thoughts – you have my e-mail. Anytime!! 🙂

  6. “قل يا عبادي الذين اسرفو على انفسهم لا تقنطوا من رحمة الله ان الله يغفر الذنوب جميعا انه هو الغفور الرحيم “

  7. janooooooo….
    Actually you don’t know me, but am someone who loves to read your posts cuz i findem all intresting and i enjoy reading them…am sorry to read such a post written by janoo…but i know it is a matter of time and you’ll get back to your nature …and am sure that next time when i come here i’ll find something intresting to read (faray7e :)).
    Wish you all the best in life..
    Kind Regrads,

  8. Bakkouz thanks; you’ve been always there for me, i have no doubt you will be there for me always…

    naturalblu; i will, oneday somehow, just pray for me..

    Chet; thanks my friend, im sure you have alot of wisdome to give me.. your posts are so nice that make us realise that life is more than we think it is, it has so much deeper meaning…

    Qwaider; thanks alot.. i know it will take time till i be back what i want to be, what i deserve to be.. the fact is i wont hope but i will try to do..

    Matt; thanks alot, glad you’re through..

    Sari Al-Hiari; your comment made me have tears; when i read it i got something in my mind that made me realise that this could be what happened, someone is tested with his faith and belief.. with his religion.. and it was a direct point but one could be blind ina very nice ouside ugly inside way, if you know what i mean.. may allah help us all to stay strong..

    Karin; i could feel the hug and your words which made me feel loved and calm… i appreciate alot what you said, and i was always looking for those corners that hide some candies 🙂 but nothing till now, i guess i will make my own candy this time, i “hope” i can 🙂

    Qwaider; again; ur so nice.. i know allah loves me, i just can feel it within me, some ppl wont know the feeling but i have it.. although im not always a good person to myself or even to allah.. shame on me, but i really love allah and know that allah will lead me to the right way, just needs a lil effort from me..

    Ala’a; oh i thought you were my cousin 3ala2, so when i checked your email i found that ur not… but ur most welcome here and thanks alot fot the comment.. its nice to know there are ppl like you 🙂

    Dear all friends who wrote me here and who wrote me somewhere else;
    I really appreciate what you did and said to me, how you try to get me out of what im in and help me with it.. i love you.. really do.. and im sure this is what true love all about.. i have to tell you im not ok yet but promise will be soon; inshallah..
    maybe these things happen to remind me that Allah is always there for me and he’s the best resort.. nomatter how far or near the one goes… Allah will be near offering help, but only those who believe will get this advantage and see this offer, only those who are strong enough will accept this offer and enjoy it.. love it.. its so much more than worthy.. its the peace within reflects to all..
    Bless you..

  9. Hey cousin!
    is it one of thse dark days, dark nights??
    here’s the solution for every probelm you face,
    Bring a bottle of a Good Vodka, some Original Hsheesh, start rollin n smokin, n dont let the bottle out of your hand 😉 this way you’ll never be able to think about anything and everything will be so easy and so obvious. (dont even try that) lol.
    Now that’s what the “PAST” Ala’a would say, now the new Ala’a says: “Allah be with you, he and only he can solve any troubles you or anyone could ever have, keep you faith and get married lol ”

    take care cousin,
    easy on your self, the solution is there for everything 😉

  10. hey cousin i missed you..
    i knew when u see this you gonna write sth.. 🙂 thanks alot ..
    how are disa and her mom? i hope u all are fine.
    take care of disana, everything starts at home,, i could write a book about families and relationships 😐

  11. Jano, I know I talked alot. But trust me, the sun will shine tomorrow, and things will get better. What doesn’t break you .. makes you stronger. And for a wonderful lady like you it’s just a matter of time and everything will be as you want it to be

  12. love happen to us, if we are mortal, love cannot be immortal, nothing is everlasting, immortal love exists only in starry-eyed poets minds, not anywhere else, and we still fail to see that all happenings come uninvited, goes without even a ” good bye” , we cling to love in hope to sustain it…when it was supposed to sustain us…and then end up in disappointments when theyre not needed, and then the chain goes on, let alone the emotional storms that love brings, there are people who can show us the world in black and white, certainly…nothing is possible without one’s approval, so ….withdraw the expired contract, more freshness is in the air, let it in..retain ur colors..ure so colorfull, psychedelicly so !!

  13. Ananda; i wish i can do what you told me.. maybe someday.. when i give a damn about myself 😦
    thanks alot.. i really appreciate it.. please keep visiting

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